I am up way past my bedtime. I just finished a mixed day filled with wonder, some conflict, and then lessons that ended on a good note because love's compass calibrated the map again as love tends to do.
Now, that is not the story for this blog. The day just got me thinking about new territories and risk. In my life I have prided myself on taking risks. However, as I analyze those risks I realize something. Some risks I have taken because of love and other risks I have taken because I did not care if I lived or died.
When I was a boy, my dad left me at a young age. From the age of 4 till the age of 13 I would not see him. Yeah, I got letters when he was driving a taxi, but that was the high point of our relationship until we got to rebuild. Then I got a step father who was a very cruel and abusive man. It was pretty extreme. But I had good grandparents who grabbed what was left of me and took me in. But there was that still nagging thing in me that believed for a time the lies told me. That I was nothing, worthless, and only good for abandonment or abuse.
This led to some of the risks of not caring if I lived or died. Here is an example. The high school I went to was the next town over. Every day on the way to school I had my friends, Dan, Todd and Mary in the car. I would take the back farm road full of potholes and poor repair and bury the needle on my '73 CHevy Laguna. Rust and bondo and paint would fly in a trail behind me. I was always driving like that. It did not matter if I lived or died. One day, my Sr year, I was zipping through a residential area and I saw a dad grab his kid close to him and yell at me to slow down. I did not see or hear anger on his face or in his voice. Worse. It was fear. Fear for the safety of his child. I slowed down and stopped driving like a dick. Love compelled me. His love for his child made me realize that my actions affected others.
Now, also in HS, there was a friend who called me. She was at a party at a college with another girlfriend. She thought her friend had been slipped something and she was not feeling very well herself. I took a risk. I went to DeKalb Illinois as fast as I could, walked in the middle of a frat party and got them out. There was conflict, but I loved my friends and I was not gonna let anything happen to them despite the fact I was outnumbered and scared out of my mind.
In the name of love I took a risk and started a youth outreach called YASO (Young Adults Speak Out). We had kids who were addicts, GLBT in a town that did not welcome that, rape and abuse victims, and even victims of human trafficking. We had other issues too. In the name of love, we made a difference in a big way.
Later I would go through a divorce and make some mistakes after that divorce and my give a fuck broke again. I took a sales job and for the first time in my life in sales, I goose egged every day. My heart was not in it because my worth was for shit. Then I took the job, after trying to find another job for months as the bank account dwindled to nothing, as a taxi driver. The deeper into the night I went, the more risks I took. Anyone who read my book knows that some of those risks were in the name of love. But there were other risks that were born of a place of not caring if I lived or died. Those risks were more violent. That is all I will say about those risks. One, in particular, damn near took my life and the full weight of that was a wake up call. Because in that moment of life and death I realized that love mattered and that was the risk worth taking. I also thought it was too late.
So now, here I am, for the first time in a long time, taking risks seeped in love. But it has an interesting pendulum swing to it. I have lost a lot in this life. In the year I became a taxi a driver I saw three drivers die (Gary, Tully and Johnny). My dad died. A homeless friend died. A victim of human trafficking I knew was butchered to death. A regular passenger of mine that I took to dialysis died from health complications. The year before that I faced the loss of dreams and hopes and friendships as person after person let me down in what we were trying to preserve and keep alive in YASO. The year before that I saw my marriage crumble and became a weekend dad and made some mistakes I had to face. I faced my own health dwindling from poor diet in the taxi, long hours, no medical care access and other matters. In other words, never before in that time of not caring about living or dying had I lost so much in so short a time in so many different arenas of life. There was never time to mourn one loss as I moved on to the next one.
So when I did wake up and return to a life where the better risks, the risks for love was in play, there also came with it a fear of more loss and due to the brush with death, a need for a better and longer life that makes safer decisions...but also a fear of death...which is healthy in some respects, but can sometimes get in the way.
Wanting to hold on to the things that are precious are good. Wanting to live a long and healthy life is good. But even that good thing can become bad when we forget what the Buddhist teach us about attachment. They teach that the source of pain in attachment. Learning to let go of that new found attachment is a process, that unfortunately, does not happen overnight. You learn, you identity, you take action and make better choices as you learn. Interesting side note. I did not realize the source of the attachment until I started writing this damn blog post and that is a good thing because it helps me move forward better.
Anyway, there is an upside. The risks taken now are in the name of love. Love for myself, love for others. Love for an us and in all things...love.
We are told to take things safe and that is the pragmatic path. Honestly, love is a risk and it can never happen well without risk. In walking in love there will be new frontiers and territories to navigate. That walking into the unknown is not a bad thing. It is good and necessary, but it is a risk.
Look, this can apply to any act of love from starting a new charity like a food bank all the way to a couple in love.
The couple has to do the crazy thing and say....I like you. I like you back. Now what?
The 'missionary' has to do the crazy thing and say....I want to start something in a poor and dangerous area that helps people.
The couple has to learn about each other and invest time and patience into laying the groundwork for love.
The missionary has to learn about the needs, find a place and work out the logistics to lay the groundwork for love.
The couple will have to, after falling in love, deal with the new territories of life together. What that means with families, friends and other pockets of life.
The missionary will have to, after falling in love, deal with the new territories of life in mission. What it means with the clients, the volunteer, the donors and the community.
In each of these steps, there is a risk. The risks could ultimately lead to loss. But if you are too attached to the fear of loss and the fear of death and morning, they will hold back the better and more lovely parts of the risks.
In life we learn to take a fall before we can learn how to take a punch and we need to learn to take a punch before we can learn to fight for the things worth fighting for.
In any risk, there is no promise of success. That couple may end up deliriously happy and never have to fear that kind of loss again and that food pantry may feed an entire community and bring attention to the plight of the ones in need in such a manner that there will be no more need. There is also the possibility that the couple may not make it and the food pantry may never come to life or last very long.
Actions of love contain risk and the negative things we attach ourselves will reduce the odds of a happy ending. We need to let go of the things that hold us back and hold us down.
The risks we take when living and dying do not matter. Those are nothing more than a numb person looking for an adrenaline rush. It is nothing more than self medication in the hopes of feeling life as opposed to numb.
The risks of someone with nothing to lose because they care about nothing is far less noble and worth chasing than the risks made in love where, you or others may very well have nothing, but they have everything to gain and more if they pull it off.
The point?
Risk for love, not death. But when risking for love, do not fear death.
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